Might Sound Baloney (how I was formed)

To relate my sense of self to graphic design, I would have to go into what I usually only tell my close friends. Later on some content might sound baloney, but you can take them as stories and just stop reading if you feel uncomfortable.

I took a pretty long and winding path before I discovered graphic design. First of all, I would consider my sense of self a lil’ messed up: I immigrated to Canada when I was around 3, picked up on an extremely Western perception of the world, and after 4 years in Vancouver our family returned to Hong Kong where I started grade 1 in a local school. Thinking back I didn’t really realise much of a difference at first: my grades were still ok and I got along with everybody. It was when I hit grade 5, my marks dropped aside from English, then my parents got all concerned and there was all the tutoring, being yelled at tears and everything, I barely made it through grade 6, and entered year one of local high school, after that one year my class instructor told my mom how I don’t fit in to the local system and will not be able to last the whole thing, so I got switched over to Canadian International School for grade 8, it costed my parents A LOT, my family is not super rich we live comfortably thx to my hard working dad, but boy the kids at this school were, growing up with these super rich kids made me feel a little…misplaced? My marks were even worse, and my English was no longer “better than others”. So after all that, my read and writing in both English and Chinese I would consider “could be a lot better”, it’s funny cause my pronunciation is super good both sides (thanks to my mom! I remember her pin pointing my speech when I was around 4), but til’ today I still lack range in my vocabulary.

With lots of last minute efforts in high school, I managed to pass all my classes marginally. Having always liked to draw, my first choice was Visual Arts. I was young and wanted to leave my parents and go out on my own, so I applied for universities in Canada only, and got my way. A LOT happened in the 4 years of leaving home for the first time, but to quickly go over the whole thing: I flunked out of university VA, then moved on to a college next town for an animation course, and afterwards ended up with a SERIOUS delusional breakdown and my parents had to force me on a plane back to Hong Kong.

I was “out of it” and didn’t really do anything for half a year, I was around 23 back then. To cut it short, one day some inner-voice in me told me “yo, you can’t go on like this”, so I got up told my mom I want to go back to school. Ended up having to start at a higher diploma level, but eventually fell in love with graphic design and now here I am studying for my masters’.

So I went from thinking “I’m an artist” to studying graphic design, and it sort of happened by accident. I was young and did not have an understanding of myself, I ignored how I like cartoons and the details in the character designs, I ignored how I enjoy seeing a smart, well-done logo, and I ignored how at a young age I already look upon a shiny new product thinking how much work goes behind it; I chose visual arts and animation cause they sounded cool.

Another thing would be young age and that in the heart I did not see the point in studying. That’s why interviewing new comers at the college I work at now, if they are not ready I tell them to go find a job and do not waste the time to study when their heart is not prepared for it. Hong Kong people have the perception of having to completing the whole education chain accordingly, and if kids fail to get in to universities, it seems like a shame and that it looks like a hard climb back to “a future life sitting in an office”, it’s really sad.

Thinking back to my childhood and teens, before I would sort of blame my parents for having put me back and forth causing a detachment from my homeland and anywhere. But I’ve learnt to appreciate the things i’ve seen and the openness I have towards different ways of life. I’ve also learnt to over-come my read and write problems not by tackling vocabulary (believe me I’ve tried) but by phrasing and describing, which I think results in my unique humor, it’s from: overcoming language obstacles and a blend in English and Chinese phrasing and logic. That unique view of the world is part of what makes me the graphic designer I am today.

Now for Something Totally Weird

Remember when I talk about my time in Canada, and that ALOT happened? Those were events that seriously formed me, gave me myself-reflectiveness, my further (or no) gaze in life.

To lay them out in order, I have seen UFOs twice during my time in Canada.

I was with a bunch of friends standing in the backyard, when all a sudden a friend pointed at the clear cloudless open sky, we look up to see 2 red dots, they were small and were whirling lined up together at first, then they broke up and were buzzing around each other, faster and faster until they suddenly stopped, and WOOOOSH, it took around 3 seconds for the pair of red dots to fade out of sight off into a distance, like out of PERSPECTIVE! I bet what I saw just broke the sound barrier and is not from this world.

The second time I saw another was not as captivating so I’m just going to skip that, but that first time changed me forever. Ever heard that talk about “how we’re just dust in the universe”? That feeling crept and got me stressed out all the time afterwards, but much then later on I reached the conclusion that there is nothing I could do about it, and I live my life. That’s why I included the word “numb” in describing myself, not in the sense that I have no temper and is in-confident (as you might have seen in my previous writing), but I have a rather empty attitude towards self-significance really, and I could exactly point to that sighting some 15 years ago.

Then for Something Weirder

It was after a year of my UFO sighting. One fine autumn day around sunset, my ex’s dog was all whining at the front door and that is nothing out of the usual, so I let him out thinking he needed to pee or poo. I was trying to finish some work and grew impatient with him just sitting on the lawn and looking up in to the sky, so I stormed over kinda rolling my eyes, as I was getting back up from picking him up I turned to face the open sky when I saw Buddha, or an image of him flashed for only half a second, he was dozens of stories high hanging in the sky in a lotus position and was a magnificent pastel yellow, like it’s a statue crafted out by the late evening clouds. BANG! In front of my eyes, and then my legs just gave up and I dropped on my knees on the front lawn and I started crying, I wasn’t sad or anything, but it was a mix of a majestic sight and something so holy and mighty that my crying lasted for what must have been at least an hour, I ran back to my room, locked the door and was just crying and crying uncontrollably .

I did not purposely started going reading Buddhist literature and all that, but then this has now given me a warmer groundedness to life compared to the harsh cold feeling of the UFO sighting. My big depression took place after these “happenings”, I like to think that “the man” showed himself to assure me I’ll be alright, and aside from my family and some friends at the time, he played a part in me recovering from darkness.

So!

at first I did think that I was different from others, not in a cocky kind of way, but you know “I’ve seen things yo!”, but then I’ve learnt to realise that specially in a city like Hong Kong, someone is bound to have had some other “weird experience” or enlightenment like I did. I don’t feel smarter and I yet to find out if I have super powers (but noooo I felt really sick like a year ago, stayed in bed for like a month), so I’m not above anyone due to the experiences.

But what I do feel is that my mind is more open and is easier to find peace, like I was never good at lying to begin with and I always pay attention not to take a life (I really try, but mosquitos…urgh!). Like I said before I still have a temper, I still tend to contain issues and not voice them out when needed, and I slouch. But is quick to self-reflect and apologize when I know I’m supposed to, but I am proud and glad to admit being a pretty nice guy 😀

The time when I was mentally unwell also shaped my concept of self a lot. For the longest time I would still worry about if my brain would suddenly just skip fuse and if I could lose control of my mind again. But having talked to friends having gone through delusional breakdown before (including my fiancée): the good thing about having gotten past it is that we are now more sensitive to stress, and that we would know not to stress ourselves to the breaking point. Pay attention to your own body as well: mental could affect physical and magnifying the mental stress even more, take breaks, breath deep and slow, meditate, feel your body and loosen up.

I live very much in the present, a very Buddhist related teaching that I really picked up myself and found out afterwards: since planning ahead usually disappoints and thinking of the past brings regrets, so I’ve really learnt to take things as they come. I’ve also gone through many different phrases with groups of friends; you know the high school “brotherhood” disbanded, certain bands I played for ended, studios I’ve started with mates ended up in dispute. It’s really disappointing at first but now that I get that it’s a way of life, I cherish the moments with my current jam, and will love the ones close to me with all my heart and loyalty.

So yay, I cannot talk about myself and my psychology without mentioning the 2 (3) experiences that totally changed and made me the way I am now.   

ANDY was here